Why Now
It started one sleepless night with my newborn; my third child - he was probably about two weeks old. It was around 2am and he had just fed and fallen back to sleep on my chest. I looked down at his little body - he was in such a deep, comfortable, trusting sleep. His whole being totally limp. And out of no where, that’s when the thoughts started flooding in.
He must feel so safe, so secure. How did infant me feel at this exact moment?
We have this connection and attachment I feel to my core. I never got to experience a deep bond.
He knows me - he has a primal instinct to need me. The sound of my heartbeat, my scent and the underlying pheromones that subconsciously connect us, the taste of my milk, the feeling of my body and the way I move. I was with strangers.
Where was I between the time I was taken from my birth mother and handed to my adopted parents? I must have felt so scared and alone.
My infancy had to be filled with such fear and insecurity without my mama.
I love him - them - so unbelievably much. My body will forever hold remnants of their DNA - this is a biological connection like no other.
And these thoughts went on for hours. I couldn't stop - I was in a deep hole about adoption and how it shaped who I am in so many ways. For the first time, I was acknowledging it. I was feeling big emotions for little me that I have suppressed my entire life.
I didn't sleep for the rest of the night and when it was time to get up and start the next day, I had a strong desire to write it all down. I am not typically a writer, a journaler, or even a reader, but I have always communicated best through letters and emails; probably because I struggle with genuine, face to face conversation (but more on that later).
I was writing and researching everything adoption… for days. I started looking at it through the lens of my older children's eyes (2 and 5) and thinking about how I must have felt at each of those stages; how I mom so differently than anything I have ever experienced. Alongside adoption in itself, my adoptive parents created so many more layers - patterns of emotional immaturity and narcissistic behavior. I recalled the hundreds of times I asked myself “why would they adopt a child just to treat me like this?”
Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in a web of trauma and tribulation that has been my life - lack of meaningful connection, unhealthy communication, isolation, divorce, addiction, recurrent miscarriage… the list goes on. It was overwhelming, but also a relief, to acknowledge how much these experiences have shaped me — and to realize that the armor of being a strong, independent, successful woman didn’t have to tell the whole story.
The affects of these experiences are tremendous and I am finally acknowledging and validating my wounds that need tending and healing. They define who I am - a landscape of towering, thick walls. Suppressed emotions that are buried so deep, they have hindered my ability to feel. An inability to feel secure, to trust, to feel worthy that impacts my life in so many ways.
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On the flipside of all the hardship, that night made me realize I have come into myself as a mother. I have a sense of confidence as a mom that I have never experienced in any aspect of my life.
The newborn sleeping on my chest all night (with zero intention of moving to a bassinet) is something I would have never done with my first. I was too afraid of scary outcomes, of bad habits, of everyone else’s opinion. It was always my instinct, but I didn’t trust myself enough.
I finally have the courage to be the mom I was meant to be; to take others’ advice and opinions for what they are - one piece of the puzzle to inform my decisions. I know I have so long to go with the three of them, and so much learning to do but I will do it with the confidence that I know what is best for my children.
This feeling of trust and confidence in myself has never happened before. I have always questioned, or felt like I was not good enough. Even though I did well in school, I was always told I could have done better - “why a 98 and not 100”? Even though I am successful in my career, I struggle with imposter syndrome every day.
Confidence in motherhood is allowing me to explore the avenues of my past that I have literally blocked out of memory for as long as I can remember. It is actually forcing me to - I need to uncover these wounds to be the best version of me for them.
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It was a few days in when writing it down (actually, typing it in my phone) didn't feel like enough. I felt like I needed to get it out into the universe. I think my mind and body are yearning to do everything they can to detox from the physical tension and weight this has caused, and one way to do it is share it into the world. And so became @theadopteemom and the concept of The Adoptee Perspective came shortly thereafter.
Through this recent breakthrough, I have been feeling a strong a sense of freedom and hope. I have known this needed to happen for so long but could not bring myself to do so. It feels like I have finally arrived at a peak, but I know the journey down is long and treacherous as I uncover so many more truths and put in the work to heal.
I'm not sure what about that night - that moment - with my baby sparked this flame.
But it is a fire inside me that is gaining more and more fuel every day.
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I plan to share about what comes of this journey of self-discovery through motherhood. The lasting impact of infant adoption. The way I do things differently as a mom. Reflection on the experiences of little me, and apologies for the life she lived. Diving into traumas and the insanity of my teen and early adult years. The craziness of daily mom life at home with three kids, two dogs, a full time career. The next chapter of my story…
In doing so, I hope to help others feel less alone, to sprinkle in some insights and words of wisdom, to educate about the lack of resources in the adoption world, and to spark conversation about these topics and feelings that are so often ignored, suppressed and avoided at all costs.
